Supporting my wife

My wife is about 40 pounds overweight and is frequently (as in at
least four times a week) talking about how she wants/needs/has to lose
weight. She has tried different programs only to give them up after a
day or two saying that "they're too difficult" or "that program
doesn't work for me" or "that program is unhealthy" or "I hate to
sweat and exercise". Meanwhile, it appears to me that her health is
getting poor: she has pretty bad asthma, she gets winded climbing up
two flights of stairs (from the basement to the upstairs of our
house), she complains of fatigue frequently, she has aches and pains
nearly every day, and she naps nearly every day. To an outside viewer
like myself, based on research I've done, these problems could
individually be attributable to other causes, but having them all
together point to her overweight condition as the cause.

We're both in our early 30s and have a 13-month old boy; she's a
stay-at-home mom. I've expressed my concerns to her more than once
that she's not keeping herself healthy. She doesn't eat badly (she's
a registered dietitian of all things!) but has weaknesses for potato
chips, coke, and french fries.
I want to support her in her quest to get healthy and lose her weight
but it's so frustrating for me to hear her talk about it and never
make any progress, that sometimes I get angry and just vent my
frustration about it (not her lack of progress but her constant
talking about it; what I basically vent about is, if you aren't going
to stick with something, then stop talking about it all the time). I
know this isn't the best supportive message to send and it gets her
all upset saying that all I care about is appearances and that I
should love her for who she is. Well I do love her for who she is and
I am concerned about her health.

For the record, while I'm not a picture of health (could use some more
exercise), I am 6'3" and about 195 pounds and really look almost too
skinny (could use some more muscle mass). My wife is 5'3" and about
190 pounds. So we really can't lose weight together. I think that if
she had someone to work with her on a diet program it would help
support her.

One thing that I know could a problem is that her ex-husband was very
cruel to her about her weight (and she was slimmer then too!) and I
think that she is still somewhat scarred by that experience and is
afraid to try anything again.
Does anyone have any advice for how I can support her better? I know
that the decision to lose weight and stay with a program has to
ultimately come from her and her alone but I want to support her as
best I can.

I think what you have said in your last 2 paragraphs sums it up for
me. You can really only offer her support if she asks for it, and
even then you still have to tread very softly. I find it a bit
confusing, though, that she frequently talks about her need to lose
weight but gets upset if you raise the subject.
It's because diet and weight is not a subject I want to discuss that
it's something I never raise with anyone, including my DH, and he
never mentions it either. If I specifically asked him for support I
know I would get it 100%, but firstly I still carry some of the hurt
caused by my mother's inability to accept me at a higher weight when I
first gained in my teens, and secondly I go on and off programs and
try different things, and sometimes give up altogether, and I couldn't
face the added burden of knowing that I was doing this "in public"
with an audience, as it were. It's something I keep to myself and I
know ultimately the answer has to come from me.
Although being 40 pounds overweight isn't desirable, in my own
experience it shouldn't be enough on its own to stop your wife
enjoying a normal life and doing almost any physical activity, and
she's nearly half my age. I hope she's seen her doc about getting out
of breath because this sounds more like an asthma issue, although
undoubtedly losing some weight would probably help this.
As for taking naps, daytime sleepiness is something that affects me
badly if I overindulge in refined carbs, so this could be caused by
bad diet.
If she's a dietitian, of course, she will know all this already, but
we all know a lot about many things that we don't necessarily practice
ourselves.
You may not need to lose weight with her, but could you influence the
things you do together as a family, by for instance by suggesting
going for walks and outings that involve a bit of activity?
Perhaps you could get her interested in joining us on this group. She
may find her professional knowledge would enable her to help others
and thereby get more into helping herself.
But, as you say, in the end it can only come from her.
janice


On 10 Dec 2003 12:39:12 -0800, (David Schmiel)
wrote:

My wife is about 40 pounds overweight and is frequently (as in at
least four times a week) talking about how she wants/needs/has to lose
weight. She has tried different programs only to give them up after a
day or two saying that "they're too difficult" or "that program
doesn't work for me" or "that program is unhealthy" or "I hate to
sweat and exercise". Meanwhile, it appears to me that her health is
getting poor: she has pretty bad asthma, she gets winded climbing up
two flights of stairs (from the basement to the upstairs of our
house), she complains of fatigue frequently, she has aches and pains
nearly every day, and she naps nearly every day. To an outside viewer
like myself, based on research I've done, these problems could
individually be attributable to other causes, but having them all
together point to her overweight condition as the cause.

We're both in our early 30s and have a 13-month old boy; she's a
stay-at-home mom. I've expressed my concerns to her more than once
that she's not keeping herself healthy. She doesn't eat badly (she's
a registered dietitian of all things!) but has weaknesses for potato
chips, coke, and french fries.
I want to support her in her quest to get healthy and lose her weight
but it's so frustrating for me to hear her talk about it and never
make any progress, that sometimes I get angry and just vent my
frustration about it (not her lack of progress but her constant
talking about it; what I basically vent about is, if you aren't going
to stick with something, then stop talking about it all the time). I
know this isn't the best supportive message to send and it gets her
all upset saying that all I care about is appearances and that I
should love her for who she is. Well I do love her for who she is and
I am concerned about her health.

For the record, while I'm not a picture of health (could use some more
exercise), I am 6'3" and about 195 pounds and really look almost too
skinny (could use some more muscle mass). My wife is 5'3" and about
190 pounds. So we really can't lose weight together. I think that if
she had someone to work with her on a diet program it would help
support her.

One thing that I know could a problem is that her ex-husband was very
cruel to her about her weight (and she was slimmer then too!) and I
think that she is still somewhat scarred by that experience and is
afraid to try anything again.
Does anyone have any advice for how I can support her better? I know
that the decision to lose weight and stay with a program has to
ultimately come from her and her alone but I want to support her as
best I can.

First take her to the doctor. Some of these symptoms sound
like the exhaustion that comes from cancer. I know from
first-hand experience. Also get her tested for hypothyroid problems,
and there is a test for real asthma.

The second thing is make it a family affair. You admit you aren't
in the greatest health. If the things I list above don't exist,
start a family exercise program. With the growth in child obesity,
setting this example and including the child are the best things
you can do for all of you.

David Schmiel wrote:

My wife is about 40 pounds overweight and is frequently (as in at
least four times a week) talking about how she wants/needs/has to lose
weight. She has tried different programs only to give them up after a
day or two saying that "they're too difficult" or "that program
doesn't work for me" or "that program is unhealthy" or "I hate to
sweat and exercise". Meanwhile, it appears to me that her health is
getting poor: she has pretty bad asthma, she gets winded climbing up
two flights of stairs (from the basement to the upstairs of our
house), she complains of fatigue frequently, she has aches and pains
nearly every day, and she naps nearly every day. To an outside viewer
like myself, based on research I've done, these problems could
individually be attributable to other causes, but having them all
together point to her overweight condition as the cause.

We're both in our early 30s and have a 13-month old boy; she's a
stay-at-home mom. I've expressed my concerns to her more than once
that she's not keeping herself healthy. She doesn't eat badly (she's
a registered dietitian of all things!) but has weaknesses for potato
chips, coke, and french fries.
I want to support her in her quest to get healthy and lose her weight
but it's so frustrating for me to hear her talk about it and never
make any progress, that sometimes I get angry and just vent my
frustration about it (not her lack of progress but her constant
talking about it; what I basically vent about is, if you aren't going
to stick with something, then stop talking about it all the time). I
know this isn't the best supportive message to send and it gets her
all upset saying that all I care about is appearances and that I
should love her for who she is. Well I do love her for who she is and
I am concerned about her health.

For the record, while I'm not a picture of health (could use some more
exercise), I am 6'3" and about 195 pounds and really look almost too
skinny (could use some more muscle mass). My wife is 5'3" and about
190 pounds. So we really can't lose weight together. I think that if
she had someone to work with her on a diet program it would help
support her.

One thing that I know could a problem is that her ex-husband was very
cruel to her about her weight (and she was slimmer then too!) and I
think that she is still somewhat scarred by that experience and is
afraid to try anything again.
Does anyone have any advice for how I can support her better? I know
that the decision to lose weight and stay with a program has to
ultimately come from her and her alone but I want to support her as
best I can.

Hello David,

Well I don't know if I can help, but I would definitely say you sound
sincere and commend you on supporting your wife. I would set her down and
explain to her how you feel when she starts talking about losing the weight
and then not doing anything about it. Tell her how it makes you feel. Tell
her that you want to support her when she is ready to make the move to get
serious about getting healthy. If you've already mentioned that you
understand her situation with her ex husband then don't do it again, but if
you haven't then tell her your not him and your going to give her
unconditional support. If she thinks that you just want a woman with a
better body, tell her that you want a healthy wife and that one of the
benefits of being healthy is looking better.

I like to think that diets are temporary, and that to make and want a
serious turn in ones life, they need to make permanent changes in the habits
they have learned, not temporary. They basically need to reprogram
themselves to eat and exercise on a regular basis and not think that this is
just till they reach their weight. Now once they reach their weight they
may be able to reduce things like exercise, but not cut it out all together.

Like your wife I don't like to exercise. I don't mind walking, but I live
with pain daily and one of the reasons I want to lose weight is to reduce
the pressure on my feet, legs, and knees. I was in a bad accident and set
up in bed for the first five months. You couldn't imagine the pain I went
through when the time came to put my feet on the ground after being up in
bed those five months. Psychologically I thought my life was at the end. I
had wished that I lost my left leg and right foot and had artificial limbs,
thinking that I wouldn't have pain anymore. Well as time does seem to heal
things, I eventually got to where I could walk from bed to another room
with a walker. I got outside and eventually work myself around the block
with a walker and got to where I could use a cane. I had so much back pain
from gaining weight due to my inactivity that it was very much a
psychological wall for me. Lord and behold as I kept on my back pain
dissipated, I lost weight and now weigh less than when I had my accident.
I'm walking 3 to 4 miles a day and use a stairmaster 1 hour a day. I
exercise 5 days a week.

Your wife will ultimately have to get to the point where she is so
disgusted with herself and finally say enough is enough and finally make the
move to get healthy. I think one way you could help her and yourself is
start exercising and eating healthy yourself. This maybe just what she
needs to get a jumpstart to being healthy. I just bought a book titled
Ultimate Weight Solution by Dr. Phil and would recommend it to the both of
you to read. To me it's an inspirational and positive look at how to get to
a healthy you.

I hope everything works out with you and your wife.

Paul
300/245/175


"David Schmiel" wrote in message
om...
My wife is about 40 pounds overweight and is frequently (as in at
least four times a week) talking about how she wants/needs/has to lose
weight. She has tried different programs only to give them up after a
day or two saying that "they're too difficult" or "that program
doesn't work for me" or "that program is unhealthy" or "I hate to
sweat and exercise". Meanwhile, it appears to me that her health is
getting poor: she has pretty bad asthma, she gets winded climbing up
two flights of stairs (from the basement to the upstairs of our
house), she complains of fatigue frequently, she has aches and pains
nearly every day, and she naps nearly every day. To an outside viewer
like myself, based on research I've done, these problems could
individually be attributable to other causes, but having them all
together point to her overweight condition as the cause.

We're both in our early 30s and have a 13-month old boy; she's a
stay-at-home mom. I've expressed my concerns to her more than once
that she's not keeping herself healthy. She doesn't eat badly (she's
a registered dietitian of all things!) but has weaknesses for potato
chips, coke, and french fries.
I want to support her in her quest to get healthy and lose her weight
but it's so frustrating for me to hear her talk about it and never
make any progress, that sometimes I get angry and just vent my
frustration about it (not her lack of progress but her constant
talking about it; what I basically vent about is, if you aren't going
to stick with something, then stop talking about it all the time). I
know this isn't the best supportive message to send and it gets her
all upset saying that all I care about is appearances and that I
should love her for who she is. Well I do love her for who she is and
I am concerned about her health.

For the record, while I'm not a picture of health (could use some more
exercise), I am 6'3" and about 195 pounds and really look almost too
skinny (could use some more muscle mass). My wife is 5'3" and about
190 pounds. So we really can't lose weight together. I think that if
she had someone to work with her on a diet program it would help
support her.

One thing that I know could a problem is that her ex-husband was very
cruel to her about her weight (and she was slimmer then too!) and I
think that she is still somewhat scarred by that experience and is
afraid to try anything again.
Does anyone have any advice for how I can support her better? I know
that the decision to lose weight and stay with a program has to
ultimately come from her and her alone but I want to support her as
best I can.

"David Schmiel" wrote in message
om...
One thing that I know could a problem is that her ex-husband was very
cruel to her about her weight (and she was slimmer then too!) and I
think that she is still somewhat scarred by that experience and is
afraid to try anything again.
Does anyone have any advice for how I can support her better? I know
that the decision to lose weight and stay with a program has to
ultimately come from her and her alone but I want to support her as
best I can.

It doesn't sound like she's ready and until she makes that decision to get
serious, then nothing will change. I can't tell you how many months I
kept starting diets and starting to exercise only to fail a few days
later. I kept telling my husband that this was the time I would stick
with it. Then the day came that I suddenly really deep down did mean it.
Until that day, anything my husband could have said would have only made
me mad. He's a dear and he didn't ever roll his eyes even after a dozen
times that I said I was serious about doing something.

Once I got serious, the things my husband did to show support were to
listen to my endless talking about dieting issues, going on walks with me,
not trying to get me to restaurants that had nothing I could eat, not ever
complaining about the lack of junk food at home, and being excited when I
told him about my progress or supportive about my failures. So even if
you don't need to lose weight, these are things you can do.

Thanks for the post, David. I agree with many of the posters. Your wife is
just going to have to hit that wall on her own. The first step is admitting
she has to do something. The hardest step (for me) is actually knowing that
I am going to actively do something about it and wanting to change. The
best thing you can do is be supportive and be there for her. Maybe you can
sit down and have a heart to heart with her next time she complains about
having to do something.

I would stress the importance of bringing up your child to understand proper
nutrition and eating habits. Best wishes...

284/222/199/???

--
Email me at:
perpleglow(AT)comcast.net
http://community.webshots.com/user/perpleglow


"David Schmiel" wrote in message
om...
My wife is about 40 pounds overweight and is frequently (as in at
least four times a week) talking about how she wants/needs/has to lose
weight. She has tried different programs only to give them up after a
day or two saying that "they're too difficult" or "that program
doesn't work for me" or "that program is unhealthy" or "I hate to
sweat and exercise". Meanwhile, it appears to me that her health is
getting poor: she has pretty bad asthma, she gets winded climbing up
two flights of stairs (from the basement to the upstairs of our
house), she complains of fatigue frequently, she has aches and pains
nearly every day, and she naps nearly every day. To an outside viewer
like myself, based on research I've done, these problems could
individually be attributable to other causes, but having them all
together point to her overweight condition as the cause.

We're both in our early 30s and have a 13-month old boy; she's a
stay-at-home mom. I've expressed my concerns to her more than once
that she's not keeping herself healthy. She doesn't eat badly (she's
a registered dietitian of all things!) but has weaknesses for potato
chips, coke, and french fries.
I want to support her in her quest to get healthy and lose her weight
but it's so frustrating for me to hear her talk about it and never
make any progress, that sometimes I get angry and just vent my
frustration about it (not her lack of progress but her constant
talking about it; what I basically vent about is, if you aren't going
to stick with something, then stop talking about it all the time). I
know this isn't the best supportive message to send and it gets her
all upset saying that all I care about is appearances and that I
should love her for who she is. Well I do love her for who she is and
I am concerned about her health.

For the record, while I'm not a picture of health (could use some more
exercise), I am 6'3" and about 195 pounds and really look almost too
skinny (could use some more muscle mass). My wife is 5'3" and about
190 pounds. So we really can't lose weight together. I think that if
she had someone to work with her on a diet program it would help
support her.

One thing that I know could a problem is that her ex-husband was very
cruel to her about her weight (and she was slimmer then too!) and I
think that she is still somewhat scarred by that experience and is
afraid to try anything again.
Does anyone have any advice for how I can support her better? I know
that the decision to lose weight and stay with a program has to
ultimately come from her and her alone but I want to support her as
best I can.

David Schmiel wrote:
We're both in our early 30s and have a 13-month old boy; she's a
stay-at-home mom. I've expressed my concerns to her more than once
that she's not keeping herself healthy. She doesn't eat badly (she's
a registered dietitian of all things!) but has weaknesses for potato
chips, coke, and french fries.

Husbands often completely miss the fact of how difficult it is to be a
stay at home Mom to a baby. You're on duty 24/7 with jobs that never get
completed and you can't even get alone time in the bathroom. Her own
needs get easily shoved aside as her priorities are different right
now: getting caught up on chronic sleep deprivation, for instance, gets
priority over NordicTracking at 5 am.

This blousy, overblown post-partum phase passes when the kid is around 3,
but that might get complicated by a second pregnancy in the meantime.

I want to support her in her quest to get healthy and lose her weight
but it's so frustrating for me to hear her talk about it and never
make any progress,

This is a typical male problem: the wife wants to vent about problems, the
husband thinks she's asking for solutions and gets frustrated that she
hasn't solved the damn problem yet. Listening isn't advising. Try to
remember that.

For the record, while I'm not a picture of health (could use some more
exercise), I am 6'3" and about 195 pounds and really look almost too
skinny (could use some more muscle mass). My wife is 5'3" and about
190 pounds. So we really can't lose weight together. I think that if
she had someone to work with her on a diet program it would help
support her.

I disagree that you can't do the program together. I got my husband to
join me in doing Body for Life: it really appeals to men because of the
weight-lifting aspect of it and it was very helpful for me to have him
accompany me to the weight room at first.

A very serious thing you could do to support a more healthy lifestyle is
for YOU to do the Body for Life challenge. Buy the book by Bill Phillips
and read it all the way through and then START IT on January 5th (along
with hundreds of thousands of other people.) Do it for yourself. She'll
either join in or she won't, but you'll model positive behavior. Check
out www.bodyforlife.com for more info, but this is NOT about buying EAS
supplements: they just sponsor it, you don't have to pay ANYTHING to do
this.

Please note that you can't continue eating potato chips if your wife is
overweight. It's just not appropriate and not a good model for your
little kid, either.

Wendy
244/190/174

In article ,
(David Schmiel) wrote:

Hi David,

I feel for your wife.

She needs to get control of her life--not just her eating habits.
From what you describe, she may be suffering from
depression--It's hard to be a new mom, cooped up in a house,
feeling fat, overworked, ugly, and isolated.

Sometimes we women complain about the obvious things that are
bothering us, like our weight, without acknowledging or admitting
the *real* problems. Yes, her weight may be a source of
frustration, but is there something else that could be eating her?

Just a thought...

Amy (been there, done that)