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#1
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Supporting my wife
My wife is about 40 pounds overweight and is frequently (as in at
least four times a week) talking about how she wants/needs/has to lose weight. She has tried different programs only to give them up after a day or two saying that "they're too difficult" or "that program doesn't work for me" or "that program is unhealthy" or "I hate to sweat and exercise". Meanwhile, it appears to me that her health is getting poor: she has pretty bad asthma, she gets winded climbing up two flights of stairs (from the basement to the upstairs of our house), she complains of fatigue frequently, she has aches and pains nearly every day, and she naps nearly every day. To an outside viewer like myself, based on research I've done, these problems could individually be attributable to other causes, but having them all together point to her overweight condition as the cause. We're both in our early 30s and have a 13-month old boy; she's a stay-at-home mom. I've expressed my concerns to her more than once that she's not keeping herself healthy. She doesn't eat badly (she's a registered dietitian of all things!) but has weaknesses for potato chips, coke, and french fries. I want to support her in her quest to get healthy and lose her weight but it's so frustrating for me to hear her talk about it and never make any progress, that sometimes I get angry and just vent my frustration about it (not her lack of progress but her constant talking about it; what I basically vent about is, if you aren't going to stick with something, then stop talking about it all the time). I know this isn't the best supportive message to send and it gets her all upset saying that all I care about is appearances and that I should love her for who she is. Well I do love her for who she is and I am concerned about her health. For the record, while I'm not a picture of health (could use some more exercise), I am 6'3" and about 195 pounds and really look almost too skinny (could use some more muscle mass). My wife is 5'3" and about 190 pounds. So we really can't lose weight together. I think that if she had someone to work with her on a diet program it would help support her. One thing that I know could a problem is that her ex-husband was very cruel to her about her weight (and she was slimmer then too!) and I think that she is still somewhat scarred by that experience and is afraid to try anything again. Does anyone have any advice for how I can support her better? I know that the decision to lose weight and stay with a program has to ultimately come from her and her alone but I want to support her as best I can. |
#3
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Supporting my wife
First take her to the doctor. Some of these symptoms sound like the exhaustion that comes from cancer. I know from first-hand experience. Also get her tested for hypothyroid problems, and there is a test for real asthma. The second thing is make it a family affair. You admit you aren't in the greatest health. If the things I list above don't exist, start a family exercise program. With the growth in child obesity, setting this example and including the child are the best things you can do for all of you. David Schmiel wrote: My wife is about 40 pounds overweight and is frequently (as in at least four times a week) talking about how she wants/needs/has to lose weight. She has tried different programs only to give them up after a day or two saying that "they're too difficult" or "that program doesn't work for me" or "that program is unhealthy" or "I hate to sweat and exercise". Meanwhile, it appears to me that her health is getting poor: she has pretty bad asthma, she gets winded climbing up two flights of stairs (from the basement to the upstairs of our house), she complains of fatigue frequently, she has aches and pains nearly every day, and she naps nearly every day. To an outside viewer like myself, based on research I've done, these problems could individually be attributable to other causes, but having them all together point to her overweight condition as the cause. We're both in our early 30s and have a 13-month old boy; she's a stay-at-home mom. I've expressed my concerns to her more than once that she's not keeping herself healthy. She doesn't eat badly (she's a registered dietitian of all things!) but has weaknesses for potato chips, coke, and french fries. I want to support her in her quest to get healthy and lose her weight but it's so frustrating for me to hear her talk about it and never make any progress, that sometimes I get angry and just vent my frustration about it (not her lack of progress but her constant talking about it; what I basically vent about is, if you aren't going to stick with something, then stop talking about it all the time). I know this isn't the best supportive message to send and it gets her all upset saying that all I care about is appearances and that I should love her for who she is. Well I do love her for who she is and I am concerned about her health. For the record, while I'm not a picture of health (could use some more exercise), I am 6'3" and about 195 pounds and really look almost too skinny (could use some more muscle mass). My wife is 5'3" and about 190 pounds. So we really can't lose weight together. I think that if she had someone to work with her on a diet program it would help support her. One thing that I know could a problem is that her ex-husband was very cruel to her about her weight (and she was slimmer then too!) and I think that she is still somewhat scarred by that experience and is afraid to try anything again. Does anyone have any advice for how I can support her better? I know that the decision to lose weight and stay with a program has to ultimately come from her and her alone but I want to support her as best I can. |
#4
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Supporting my wife
Hello David,
Well I don't know if I can help, but I would definitely say you sound sincere and commend you on supporting your wife. I would set her down and explain to her how you feel when she starts talking about losing the weight and then not doing anything about it. Tell her how it makes you feel. Tell her that you want to support her when she is ready to make the move to get serious about getting healthy. If you've already mentioned that you understand her situation with her ex husband then don't do it again, but if you haven't then tell her your not him and your going to give her unconditional support. If she thinks that you just want a woman with a better body, tell her that you want a healthy wife and that one of the benefits of being healthy is looking better. I like to think that diets are temporary, and that to make and want a serious turn in ones life, they need to make permanent changes in the habits they have learned, not temporary. They basically need to reprogram themselves to eat and exercise on a regular basis and not think that this is just till they reach their weight. Now once they reach their weight they may be able to reduce things like exercise, but not cut it out all together. Like your wife I don't like to exercise. I don't mind walking, but I live with pain daily and one of the reasons I want to lose weight is to reduce the pressure on my feet, legs, and knees. I was in a bad accident and set up in bed for the first five months. You couldn't imagine the pain I went through when the time came to put my feet on the ground after being up in bed those five months. Psychologically I thought my life was at the end. I had wished that I lost my left leg and right foot and had artificial limbs, thinking that I wouldn't have pain anymore. Well as time does seem to heal things, I eventually got to where I could walk from bed to another room with a walker. I got outside and eventually work myself around the block with a walker and got to where I could use a cane. I had so much back pain from gaining weight due to my inactivity that it was very much a psychological wall for me. Lord and behold as I kept on my back pain dissipated, I lost weight and now weigh less than when I had my accident. I'm walking 3 to 4 miles a day and use a stairmaster 1 hour a day. I exercise 5 days a week. Your wife will ultimately have to get to the point where she is so disgusted with herself and finally say enough is enough and finally make the move to get healthy. I think one way you could help her and yourself is start exercising and eating healthy yourself. This maybe just what she needs to get a jumpstart to being healthy. I just bought a book titled Ultimate Weight Solution by Dr. Phil and would recommend it to the both of you to read. To me it's an inspirational and positive look at how to get to a healthy you. I hope everything works out with you and your wife. Paul 300/245/175 "David Schmiel" wrote in message om... My wife is about 40 pounds overweight and is frequently (as in at least four times a week) talking about how she wants/needs/has to lose weight. She has tried different programs only to give them up after a day or two saying that "they're too difficult" or "that program doesn't work for me" or "that program is unhealthy" or "I hate to sweat and exercise". Meanwhile, it appears to me that her health is getting poor: she has pretty bad asthma, she gets winded climbing up two flights of stairs (from the basement to the upstairs of our house), she complains of fatigue frequently, she has aches and pains nearly every day, and she naps nearly every day. To an outside viewer like myself, based on research I've done, these problems could individually be attributable to other causes, but having them all together point to her overweight condition as the cause. We're both in our early 30s and have a 13-month old boy; she's a stay-at-home mom. I've expressed my concerns to her more than once that she's not keeping herself healthy. She doesn't eat badly (she's a registered dietitian of all things!) but has weaknesses for potato chips, coke, and french fries. I want to support her in her quest to get healthy and lose her weight but it's so frustrating for me to hear her talk about it and never make any progress, that sometimes I get angry and just vent my frustration about it (not her lack of progress but her constant talking about it; what I basically vent about is, if you aren't going to stick with something, then stop talking about it all the time). I know this isn't the best supportive message to send and it gets her all upset saying that all I care about is appearances and that I should love her for who she is. Well I do love her for who she is and I am concerned about her health. For the record, while I'm not a picture of health (could use some more exercise), I am 6'3" and about 195 pounds and really look almost too skinny (could use some more muscle mass). My wife is 5'3" and about 190 pounds. So we really can't lose weight together. I think that if she had someone to work with her on a diet program it would help support her. One thing that I know could a problem is that her ex-husband was very cruel to her about her weight (and she was slimmer then too!) and I think that she is still somewhat scarred by that experience and is afraid to try anything again. Does anyone have any advice for how I can support her better? I know that the decision to lose weight and stay with a program has to ultimately come from her and her alone but I want to support her as best I can. |
#5
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Supporting my wife
"David Schmiel" wrote in message
om... One thing that I know could a problem is that her ex-husband was very cruel to her about her weight (and she was slimmer then too!) and I think that she is still somewhat scarred by that experience and is afraid to try anything again. Does anyone have any advice for how I can support her better? I know that the decision to lose weight and stay with a program has to ultimately come from her and her alone but I want to support her as best I can. It doesn't sound like she's ready and until she makes that decision to get serious, then nothing will change. I can't tell you how many months I kept starting diets and starting to exercise only to fail a few days later. I kept telling my husband that this was the time I would stick with it. Then the day came that I suddenly really deep down did mean it. Until that day, anything my husband could have said would have only made me mad. He's a dear and he didn't ever roll his eyes even after a dozen times that I said I was serious about doing something. Once I got serious, the things my husband did to show support were to listen to my endless talking about dieting issues, going on walks with me, not trying to get me to restaurants that had nothing I could eat, not ever complaining about the lack of junk food at home, and being excited when I told him about my progress or supportive about my failures. So even if you don't need to lose weight, these are things you can do. |
#6
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Supporting my wife
Thanks for the post, David. I agree with many of the posters. Your wife is
just going to have to hit that wall on her own. The first step is admitting she has to do something. The hardest step (for me) is actually knowing that I am going to actively do something about it and wanting to change. The best thing you can do is be supportive and be there for her. Maybe you can sit down and have a heart to heart with her next time she complains about having to do something. I would stress the importance of bringing up your child to understand proper nutrition and eating habits. Best wishes... 284/222/199/??? -- Email me at: perpleglow(AT)comcast.net http://community.webshots.com/user/perpleglow "David Schmiel" wrote in message om... My wife is about 40 pounds overweight and is frequently (as in at least four times a week) talking about how she wants/needs/has to lose weight. She has tried different programs only to give them up after a day or two saying that "they're too difficult" or "that program doesn't work for me" or "that program is unhealthy" or "I hate to sweat and exercise". Meanwhile, it appears to me that her health is getting poor: she has pretty bad asthma, she gets winded climbing up two flights of stairs (from the basement to the upstairs of our house), she complains of fatigue frequently, she has aches and pains nearly every day, and she naps nearly every day. To an outside viewer like myself, based on research I've done, these problems could individually be attributable to other causes, but having them all together point to her overweight condition as the cause. We're both in our early 30s and have a 13-month old boy; she's a stay-at-home mom. I've expressed my concerns to her more than once that she's not keeping herself healthy. She doesn't eat badly (she's a registered dietitian of all things!) but has weaknesses for potato chips, coke, and french fries. I want to support her in her quest to get healthy and lose her weight but it's so frustrating for me to hear her talk about it and never make any progress, that sometimes I get angry and just vent my frustration about it (not her lack of progress but her constant talking about it; what I basically vent about is, if you aren't going to stick with something, then stop talking about it all the time). I know this isn't the best supportive message to send and it gets her all upset saying that all I care about is appearances and that I should love her for who she is. Well I do love her for who she is and I am concerned about her health. For the record, while I'm not a picture of health (could use some more exercise), I am 6'3" and about 195 pounds and really look almost too skinny (could use some more muscle mass). My wife is 5'3" and about 190 pounds. So we really can't lose weight together. I think that if she had someone to work with her on a diet program it would help support her. One thing that I know could a problem is that her ex-husband was very cruel to her about her weight (and she was slimmer then too!) and I think that she is still somewhat scarred by that experience and is afraid to try anything again. Does anyone have any advice for how I can support her better? I know that the decision to lose weight and stay with a program has to ultimately come from her and her alone but I want to support her as best I can. |
#7
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Supporting my wife
David Schmiel wrote:
We're both in our early 30s and have a 13-month old boy; she's a stay-at-home mom. I've expressed my concerns to her more than once that she's not keeping herself healthy. She doesn't eat badly (she's a registered dietitian of all things!) but has weaknesses for potato chips, coke, and french fries. Husbands often completely miss the fact of how difficult it is to be a stay at home Mom to a baby. You're on duty 24/7 with jobs that never get completed and you can't even get alone time in the bathroom. Her own needs get easily shoved aside as her priorities are different right now: getting caught up on chronic sleep deprivation, for instance, gets priority over NordicTracking at 5 am. This blousy, overblown post-partum phase passes when the kid is around 3, but that might get complicated by a second pregnancy in the meantime. I want to support her in her quest to get healthy and lose her weight but it's so frustrating for me to hear her talk about it and never make any progress, This is a typical male problem: the wife wants to vent about problems, the husband thinks she's asking for solutions and gets frustrated that she hasn't solved the damn problem yet. Listening isn't advising. Try to remember that. For the record, while I'm not a picture of health (could use some more exercise), I am 6'3" and about 195 pounds and really look almost too skinny (could use some more muscle mass). My wife is 5'3" and about 190 pounds. So we really can't lose weight together. I think that if she had someone to work with her on a diet program it would help support her. I disagree that you can't do the program together. I got my husband to join me in doing Body for Life: it really appeals to men because of the weight-lifting aspect of it and it was very helpful for me to have him accompany me to the weight room at first. A very serious thing you could do to support a more healthy lifestyle is for YOU to do the Body for Life challenge. Buy the book by Bill Phillips and read it all the way through and then START IT on January 5th (along with hundreds of thousands of other people.) Do it for yourself. She'll either join in or she won't, but you'll model positive behavior. Check out www.bodyforlife.com for more info, but this is NOT about buying EAS supplements: they just sponsor it, you don't have to pay ANYTHING to do this. Please note that you can't continue eating potato chips if your wife is overweight. It's just not appropriate and not a good model for your little kid, either. Wendy 244/190/174 |
#8
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Supporting my wife
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